The June Inquisition

Somewhere between the lounge, the computer chair, and my beloved seedy back porch smoking chair is where I failed the day. I bumbled around notionless, without point nor aspiration, spilling, knocking and falling behind. Sniggering remarks to myself about the annoying entourage of ill-mannered unintelligent masses that crowd my day and haunt my night. Obsolete, it seems, are the days of privacy and decorum, where once a smoker could enjoy a certain magnitude of ettiquette. Is it too hard to understand the simple correlation between smoking and relaxation? Even the most primal of animal life knows if you see smoke don't run toward the fire. Apart from the constant sea of interuption, today i find myself perplexed.

Todays question consisted of 2 parts, "What the fuck am i doing with myself?" and "What the fuck do i want to do with myself?." The less motivated i become in dealing with these propositions, the harder it became to answer. Pondering on this self-examination took up the better part of the morning and by lunch time i had become apathetic toward anything that hurled itself in my path. The thought of opening a blind or a window made me cringe. It seems i wholeheartedly felt the first day of winter, rendering me into a ball of aggrevated fury and habit.

The first drink of the day, much to fews unworthy surprise, arrived early-esque at the grand ol' hour of 3:30pm which was about 4 hours too late. A day of apathy, cynicism, pessimism and alcoholism ensued for me and my ill-mannered unwanted companions and the future was bleak and seemed unforgiving. Today even my favourite feline friend, Kamikaze, was sufficiently abrasive. By late afternoon/early evening i was still troubled and perplexed by the questions that had been the ruin of my morning.

Now at 1am i am still just as perplexed as to the meaning of my exsistance on this brown mortal coil but suffice to say i believe i have answered the question "what the fuck am i doing with myself?" to a level that satisfies my own bitter expectancy. The answer shall remain part of the decrepit decay of stagnate information i choose to keep from public knowledge. Although i will divulge that the answer has not made an iota of difference in the grand scheme of today, infact it only serves as a set back to my own eventual cosmos. I have found new admiration for people that know where they are going...this doesnt mean i have stopped loathing them.

people that are happy in their career remind me distinctly of dynamic lifter.


M